


bearable

by crescendohowell



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 15:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10834284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescendohowell/pseuds/crescendohowell
Summary: when even tried to kiss mikael





	bearable

**Author's Note:**

> alternately summarised as 800 words of emotions after todays episode

He shouldn’t have done it. He hadn’t done it. Nothing had happened, maybe it was all a bad dream. But no, Even could still feel Mikael’s hand on his shoulder, pushing him away. He could still feel the sinking feeling in his heart as everything went to shit and it was all his fault. What was wrong with him? There were too many voices and Even finally flinched back. His mouth began to taste like blood from biting his lips so hard. He didn’t even notice that he was doing it.

He still felt like he was on a completely different planet from his head as Even tried to walk to the door to his apartment. His legs felt like they were moving without him actually telling them too and he thought that maybe if he concentrated enough he would be able to disappear. He would be able to go to a different universe where everything was still okay.

Yousef had wanted to walk him to the door, make sure that he got into bed okay. Yousef had been the one to drive him there, getting him out of the situation and away from Mikael. Away from everything that Even had fucked up.

But Even couldn’t let him do that. Because Sonja was staying the night and she would be there and Even couldn’t let her see. He would need to put on a brave face and smile, pretending like he meant it. And the scary thing was, Even knew that he had enough practice so he would be believable. She wouldn’t suspect a thing. She never did.

“How was the party?” She was already in bed when Even walked in.

“Good,” He kept his back turned to her. He desperately tried to stop replying the moment right before. When he had meet Mikael’s eyes, and for a second, a brief blip in time, everything had felt clearer than it had in a long time.

But that was gone now. And Sonja kissed him once before bed. She tasted like toothpaste and Even hoped that she couldn’t taste the shame in his mouth. 

He didn’t fall asleep for hours that night. Instead he just lay for hours; his chest felt like it was being pressed down with a stack of bricks. He was wrong. He was disgusting. He replayed the words that his friend had said. He was all those things and Even couldn’t breath. 

There were tears rolling down his cheeks but he didn’t move. He couldn’t wake up Sonja.

Things were bad for a while after that. Nothing felt better in the morning and Mikael didn’t reply to any of messages. Even didn’t know what to do. 

He started memorizing the Quran. He whispered the words under his breath in a language he didn’t understand, hoping that they would do something. That they would somehow explain why he had felt the need to do what he did. How he had messed up years of successfully keeping everything down in one moment because Mikael was laughing and he looked like sunshine when he laughed.

The words didn’t help though. No matter how well he knew them. No matter how many sleepless nights he spent, repeating him as he paced back and forth, trying to understand the meaning that Mikael and the other boys found in them. 

But even though the words were there, he couldn’t make himself believe them fully. They didn’t change how he felt. They didn’t change how his fucked up mind worked and Even didn’t think that he could keep doing it. There was just too much.

He was disgusting.

If he were gone everything would be better.

he tried to do it. he really did.

almost gone

But not quite.

He couldn’t go back the boys after that. He couldn’t even go back to school. Even had to take some time off for a while.

But at least things felt clearer for once. It was as if everything had built in an unbearable crescendo, only to come crashing back down to what was manageable. Even went back to holding Sonja tight and keeping everything down and that was enough. At least he could feel his legs when he walked.

Of course, bearable is never enough. Or at least it should never be enough.

It took two month. Two months after the first day of school. After the first day at the new place, away from all his mistakes, when Even had seen the boy with curls sticking out from under his snapback who made his heart move in the way that wasn’t allowed.

But Even found that he couldn’t ignore it. And even though everything in him screamed not to, he went and got involved.

He pulled out all the paper towels. With shaky hands, they shared a joint.

He almost kissed the boy with the curls like gold.

He dreamed about kissing the boy.

Until one day, surrounded by blue, he finally did.


End file.
